My Love Regret Page 9

  She was giving me a lifeline. I desperately needed one but…

  “Did Damian send you to me? Did he ask you to tell me that?”

  “No. He doesn’t know anything about this. I expect it to stay that way, Risa.”

  Pushing myself upright, I clumsily wiped my face clean.

  “Thank you for the offer. I appreciate it.”

  “But you’re staying.”

  “Yes.”

  “Very well. I support you in this as well. Just remember, no matter how much Damian hurts you, he cannot know. Understand? You must be strong, Risa, if you’re going to see this through.”

  “I understand.”

  Elaine handed me a handkerchief from her pocket. “Remember my offer. Call me and you can be free within an hour.”

  ***

  I had options now.

  Still, I was right back to square one.

  Two days after Damian kicked me out of his penthouse, I was physically well enough to go back to work. Even though I threw up because of my nerves, by the time I hit my office, I radiated serenity.

  No one would suspect anything was amiss between the CEO of Bridgewater National and his PA.

  I pretended I didn’t see the wariness in Damian’s stance when we crossed paths. I didn’t even bother to look at a point over his shoulder. There was no reason to avoid his gaze. He didn’t care enough to find my secrets.

  Damian didn’t want them.

  “I owe Gretchen more respect than this. You are not going to be the one to break us apart. I won’t let you.”

  The words reverberated in my head. So did the question “Why are you still here?”

  Damian believed I was in the way. He believed I was a PA of questionable skill, one he could easily replace within the hour. He believed he was dating Gretchen.

  Believed? No.

  He didn’t believe he was dating Gretchen. He was dating Gretchen.

  There was no point in confronting her and reminding Gretchen of her promises. She loved Damian long before I came into his life and probably saw me as the interloper. So she saw her chance to get him back and took it.

  Elaine had given me an out. I could retreat with dignity and start over. I had a good amount of savings. I didn’t need this paycheck.

  So why was I staying here? Didn’t I have a shred of pride? How could I go chasing after a man who thought I was a disgusting gold digger who wasn’t worth the salary she earned?

  Damian’s viciousness attached itself to me, dictating every move I made even when he wasn’t around.

  The agony, one that settled deep in my very bones, was because I believed in him. I believed he trusted and accepted the connection between us. For a few too-short hours, Damian was the man I fell in love with.

  He took care of me, not because I demanded it, but because the man in him recognized the little girl he created in me.

  That little girl existed solely because of Damian. She couldn’t be for anyone else.

  Did it make me weak and foolish that I still wanted to be his little girl? I’d already suffered his disdain, neglect, and hatred all in the hopes that somehow, someway he’d come back to me. I’d taken all of it because I wanted to be his girl forever, the one he allowed himself to cherish and protect.

  Day after day I’d taken each strike against my pride and dignity. I’d been able to handle Damian’s callousness and cruelty. I’d survived his bad temper, the way he cut me down on a daily basis. I’d been able to stomach his time with Gretchen.

  In the end, what utterly destroyed me was Damian’s kindness.

  I’d wondered if it was gone, that part of him that solely belonged to me. Now I knew it was still there. Worse, I knew it was still there but he deemed me unworthy of basking in his sun.

  His sweetness, his protection was reserved for another woman.

  While I still had access to his business calendar, Damian locked me out of his after-hours one. Presumably, he took care of his social engagements with Gretchen because I no longer had to arrange for flowers, reservations, gifts, and shopping excursions.

  The message was clear. Damian deemed me a threat to his happiness with Gretchen.

  Nothing I could do would change his position. I’d given it everything I had but it wasn’t enough. That realization made it hard to breathe.

  Immovable once he made his decision, Damian would never bend. He meant those ugly, soul-crushing words. He wanted to wound me fatally.

  And yet he still kept me here. No longer chained to his side, but close enough to make every minute hurt like hell. He should’ve just fired me. Why didn’t he?

  Because he was a sadist.

  I shut down my computer. One day down. Did I really want to come back for another?

  After all, staying here would be the height of insanity. Self-preservation had to kick in at some point. Was I really going to lie here and take Damian grinding me beneath his heel?

  Did my fucking masochism know no goddamned bounds?

  The strange, filthy love story between a girl and a secret billionaire had ended the long ago night when he left her in his mansion.

  Maybe it was time to give up and go back home to Texas?

  “Remember my offer. Call me and you can be free within an hour.”

  “Risa.”

  I hated the way my heart jumped when he called my name. I tried to stoke up my hatred for Damian. Unfortunately, my stupid heart already tried that once and failed miserably.

  My feelings for Damian couldn’t be diminished by hatred.

  “Sir?”

  “You may leave for the night.”

  Clearly, I’d already shut down my computer. I didn’t need his permission.

  Maybe he just wanted a reason to talk to me?

  Madness laid in wait on that route.

  “Thank you. I’m already on my way. Good night.”

  I walked past him, not in frosty dismissal but not friendly either. I treated him as I would an acquaintance. Neutral.

  Cordial and nothing more.

  Feeling his mercurial gaze staring a hole into my back, I kept my head high.

  I didn’t know what the next day would bring, but at least I wouldn’t be guilty of letting anyone, much less Damian, ever see my tears again.

  25

  DAMIAN

  I pushed her away, but not far enough.

  We continued to work in surface harmony. Never a cross word between us. Risa’s work performance skyrocketed. More at ease with her position, she became even friendlier with the staff. I watched her charm everyone from the mail person all the way to my distinguished, blue-blooded VPs.

  I would’ve liked to think it was because Risa was trying to impress me into keeping her.

  However, I’d watched her enough during the last two weeks and I could see it wasn’t about me. Risa stopped looking to me for approval. It freed her to shine and shine she did.

  I would’ve enjoyed this time, seeing how her mind worked and how she handled the hundreds of situations that inevitably popped up each day if I wasn’t so goddamned miserable.

  I missed Risa.

  She consumed every bit of my mind. I could barely sleep or eat. My loss of this magnificent woman sank into my bones, leaving me perpetually cold.

  I didn’t have to guess why.

  Just one night in Risa’s bed was all it took for me to become this damaged. Holding her showed me what I’d been missing my whole life.

  Belonging.

  I belonged with this tiny, stubborn, brave creature.

  Why couldn’t I have met Risa first, before all this madness happened? I wouldn’t have had to give her up if I had.

  I ached with longing. Every minute away from Risa was a trial by fire. I could’ve had her completely. Her love, her adoration, her submission—all of it could’ve been mine.

  If only I met her first…

  I let Risa go to save her, but who was going to save me from myself?

  Flipping the heavy cream-colored invitation in
my hand, I recognized the impulse bursting inside me as dangerous and self-destructive.

  We’d found an odd balance, but it worked. I could have her near me and not betray my decision.

  If I did this thing, I risked undoing all my progress.

  I reasoned to myself that it was simply business. Nothing more.

  After all, I’d sent Gretchen away with Leon. She couldn’t come out and play a part for me. Besides, I had no idea where they were, but I knew everybody was safe and under control.

  Leon wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Risa didn’t have to know why I was going to demand her presence at the charity function. I’d couch it as purely a work assignment.

  Nothing more. Nothing less.

  But I knew the truth.

  Already my heart pounded from excitement. I could spend the whole evening with her and no one would question it.

  Not Elaine or Thomas.

  No one.

  I’d have us both leave work early. Presumably for a last minute trip to the shops for something suitable for Risa. No long gowns for her. Not enough time to have it tailored to her diminutive height. She would get a chance to show off her spectacular legs.

  I smiled, already imagining Risa dressed in gold or silver. Purely a nod to my personal colors, but something that could go undetected to observers. Excitement simmered. I’d finally get to indulge my secret desires.

  I’d dress her up like my little doll with shoes and jewelry to match.

  Nothing rented for Risa. I’d gift her with rubies because it pleased me. I’d take her to this function and ignore the fact I already had a suite rented twenty floors above the ballroom.

  I would allow myself to be satisfied that I could take her in my arms and dance with her, even at the cost of looking ridiculous on the dance floor because of our extreme height difference.

  All I had do to was call Risa in my office and command her to go with me tonight. She would do it for me because her impressive pride would allow for nothing less.

  So why the hesitation?

  Because I might not be able to keep this necessary distance between us.

  I heard her soft voice raise up in laughter. My gaze flicked towards the interior window and saw one of the junior managers doing his best to make Risa laugh again. Clenching my jaw, I made my decision.

  “Risa!”

  She disengaged with the blond haired prick and walked into my office. Although her cheeks were still pink from joy, her beautiful face was arranged in impersonal lines. She didn’t avoid meeting my gaze, not like how she used to when we first arrived from Switzerland.

  So shy, so full of inappropriate longing for her employer.

  Suddenly, I missed that girl.

  “Sit down, Risa.”

  She took the offered seat and crossed her legs. My hands ached to run up their silken surface like I had just a few yards away when I had her on the couch. Every time I came into this room, I couldn’t help but think about it.

  Her taste, moans, all of it a pleasurable torment distracting me from the work of running a conglomerate.

  I noticed Risa never looked over at the leather sofa. Something about that gave me comfort. Little as it may have been.

  Obviously, I had no one to blame for this but myself.

  I should’ve stayed away from Risa. I shouldn’t have given into my selfish need for her. I should’ve taken comfort that she healed much more cleanly than I did.

  I wasn’t comforted. I felt betrayed.

  But why?

  Risa waited for me to speak. Just another one of the changes between us.

  “There is a benefit I’m going to tonight.”

  Risa said nothing.

  “I’m taking you with me since Gretchen is unable to accompany me.”

  There. Surely, she’d show something. Anything I could grab ahold of that she truly was suffering as much as me.

  “Very well. Where and what time should I meet you?”

  I didn’t appreciate Risa’s calmness. She didn’t answer me with a thousand questions as she usually did. Nor did she blush. Her eyes didn’t shine with excitement.

  We could’ve been discussing paper products for all her outward interest.

  “I’ll pick you up.”

  “That’s not necessary. I have my own transportation. One of the security guys can take me.”

  It was perfectly reasonable. Quick. Easy. No uncomfortable silence in a confined space.

  “No.”

  Something flickered in her expression. I pounced on it, vaguely recognizing I was no better than how an elementary school boy treated his indifferent crush.

  “Is something the matter, Ms. Kelly?”

  She met my gaze head on. The corners of her mouth lifted in a dazzling smile. It was absolutely beautiful.

  And utterly false.

  How did I not see it before?

  26

  “Just tell me a time and I’ll be ready.”

  “Now.”

  “Pardon me? Now, you say? I still have—”

  I stood up, having already made my decision before calling Risa into my office. I’d take every hour, minute, and second I could with Risa. I knew just how close I could get to the lines I couldn’t cross.

  “It can wait. Tonight cannot. We need to leave now.”

  Taking Risa by the arm, I easily pulled her to her feet. Her arm stiffened beneath my hold before relaxing. Tiny tremors ran through it.

  She didn’t want me touching her. I took in her pleasant expression. I’d never know her reaction to my closeness.

  What else had Risa hidden from me so well?

  “Let’s go.”

  She went along, obediently and without complaint. I moved my hand to the small of her back, grudgingly removing it when she put on her coat, and then immediately placed it back where it belonged.

  A short ride later and then I escorted Risa inside the small boutique servicing clients with unlimited budgets. Normally, Risa would’ve been the one to set up the appointment, but considering it was for her, I did it myself. Besides, Gretchen had never shopped here.

  It was all for Risa.

  No one else would be there to interfere with our trip. Security would be as close as possible without intruding.

  “Good evening, Mr. Black-Price. I trust you’re having a lovely day?”

  I put on my mask and smiled warmly. I noticed it didn’t feel as false as it usually did.

  “I have. Thank you for asking, Mrs. Wells.” I drew the older woman’s attention to Risa. “This is my companion that you will work your magic on tonight.”

  Mrs. Wells, proprietress of the shop for the last three decades, critically eyed Risa. Undoubtedly, she assessed her small stature and mouthwatering curves as a challenge.

  “I see what you mean, Mr. Black-Price. Floor-length gowns are out of the question. Not that I couldn’t get a girl in to tailor one if needed…”

  She’d watch her words if she was wise. I wouldn’t have Risa insulted or made to feel lacking just because she wasn’t six feet tall and fifteen pounds underweight.

  “But that won’t be an issue. All the selections I’ve set aside for Ms. Risa will look delightful on her petite figure.”

  Mrs. Wells knew the lay of the land. Her first duty was to please me and telling me I couldn’t have something, or insulting my companion, would only sour a man who wasn’t used to hearing the word “No”.

  “Hello? Mrs. Wells, was it? My name is Risa Kelly. It’s nice to meet you.” Risa held out her hand, waiting for the other woman to shake it in greeting. “I’m sure Mr. Black-Price has given you details for tonight’s event.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too. As a matter of fact, he has.”

  Another false smile. Mrs. Wells didn’t know it as that. She saw it as a buttery-warm grin and responded to it.

  Who could help themselves when seeing the smile of an angel?

  “I’m not surprised. My employer is very organized that way.” She
took a few steps away from me, automatically guiding Mrs. Wells in the same direction. “You said you already set aside some pieces for me to try on. Correct?”

  “Yes. I’m confident you’ll find them all lovely.”

  “I’m sure I will.” Risa pointed out to an amethyst dress. “Please add this one to the rack if it’s not already on there.”

  Mrs. Wells murmured in apology, “Mr. Black-Price was very specific on the colors.”

  “Yes, I’m sure he was. However, I have the final word in what I wear. I’m sure he won’t object considering this is a business function versus a personal one.”

  Not a drop of venom coated her words. Still, I felt the bite. I wasn’t allowed the presumption of believing she attached a deeper meaning to the evening.

  I could bend in this. Risa won her victory clean. Who was I to take it away?

  “Mrs. Wells, please bring out whatever dress Ms. Kelly desires, regardless of color.”

  “Of course, Sir.” Mrs. Wells immediately switched her attention and charm to Risa. It’d become clearly obvious who had to be pleased and it wasn’t me anymore.

  Sitting down in a plush armchair, I waited for Risa to try on all the dresses she wished before picking out one that suited her. If not here, then we’d go to as many shops as it took.

  She’d taken away my pleasure in dressing her up, but I couldn’t be upset with her over it. I’d tried to exert and enjoy dominion over her secretly.

  “If you won’t keep me, if you won’t let yourself choose me, then you can’t have me.”

  I broke her rules. I deserved her punishment.

  27

  RISA

  The dresses dazzled me. They were so beautiful in as many different shades as there were colors in the rainbow. However, the initial rack of silver and gold drew my attention. I wasn’t blind to the significance of those particular colors.

  I’d wear them proudly in different circumstances. I still wished to.