My Love Regret Page 8

  He got under the covers, moving me carefully until I lay in the crook of his arm. Cuddling into him, I breathed in his clean scent and let the steady beat of his heart lull me back to sleep.

  I can’t wait until I get better. It’ll be like falling in love all over again. Damian’s made his choice and his choice is me.

  I hated being sick, but this was one time I didn’t mind.

  23

  DAMIAN

  If I drugged Risa then I could move her without having to explain why she wasn’t coming back to the penthouse. I could drop her off and let her come to her own conclusions when she woke up.

  That was a coward’s way. I wasn’t a coward.

  “Risa, it’s time to wake up.”

  She came to, blinking like an adorable kitten. “Is it time for my medicine?”

  “No.”

  “Oh. Then what is it?”

  “How are you feeling?”

  Risa stretched her arms, cocking her head to the side as she tested her limbs.

  “Sore. Tired. Not dead.”

  I forced myself to be emotionless. “I need you to take a shower.”

  Pink flooded her cheeks. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I reek, don’t I?”

  She didn’t. She still smelled like her vanilla soap and shampoo. I let my silence tell the lie.

  “Okay. I’ll go now.”

  Risa swung her legs and slid off the bed. It reminded me how I needed to get her a step-stool for the bed. She was so short her feet didn’t touch the floor when she got up.

  Pain entered me again. It wasn’t for me to do those things for her.

  Not anymore.

  She slowly walked into the bathroom and turned around with a smile. I hated seeing it dim when she realized I wasn’t her shadow today.

  “Will you be here when I get out?”

  The hopefulness in her voice made me feel like the worst bastard on the planet. I abandoned her already and she didn’t know or suspect it.

  Pain settled in my temple. I didn’t have time for a headache. Not when I was about to break the heart of this sweet girl. Still, I welcomed the pain. It was the least I deserved.

  “No. I’ll be in the living room. Come find me when you’re done.”

  Risa blinked rapidly. Her expressive face betrayed her. She tried to figure out what had changed between last night and this morning.

  I’m so sorry, little girl. You’ll find out soon enough.

  Unable to see the worry on her face for one second longer, I left the room and went to the cavernous living room. I sat down on the sofa, keeping my back to the hallway so she wouldn’t see the yearning in my gaze when she appeared.

  I had to get this over with, but I just wanted time to stop. Knowing what was coming made me lose courage in my course.

  I never reversed my decisions once made. This wouldn’t be any different.

  I stiffened in my seat when I heard Risa’s soft footfalls come closer. Madly, I wondered if her shower had been too strenuous on her body. She was still sick. A day ago she could barely stand up.

  I should’ve pushed this off another day. Or another week. It wasn’t too late…

  “Damian? Is something wrong?”

  My gaze flicked towards her and then slid away. The sight of her in a ponytail and silk pajamas was enough to tempt me to break the rules and damn Elaine’s counsel. She didn’t hold a monopoly on strategy. I never failed what I set my mind to.

  I could win this.

  My bravado disintegrated.

  Konstantinov business was one arena I couldn’t hope to win. I didn’t have all the information and I’d never survive navigating that world. Not without my father and he wasn’t on the radar.

  I could end up killing us both.

  It’ll be better this way. At least this way Risa has her freedom. At least this way she gets to live.

  For the next hour, I needed to be ruthless. Risa’s safety depended on it.

  “Nothing is wrong, Risa.”

  “Are you sure?” Gingerly, she sat next to me. Her instincts apparently picked up on my mood. Clever Risa. “Is it work? I’m sorry for falling ill. I’ll work through the night to catch up—”

  “Don’t apologize.”

  I hated hearing the guilt in her voice. Risa had done nothing to feel sorry or guilty about. I wouldn’t allow her to feel it.

  “Okay. Then what is it?”

  Just remember why you’re doing this.

  I met her gaze head on.

  “I’ve secured an apartment for you.”

  Risa’s pink mouth opened as a long sigh left her body.

  “You did?”

  “Yes. I’m aware you have your own, but the address Elaine gave me didn’t satisfy the security parameters for a person in your position.”

  “My position?”

  “Yes,” I bit out. “You’re my PA. You work with and have access to sensitive information. Your living quarters needs to provide top-notch security. Your detail will stay in place. I will, of course, hire more since you will no longer be sharing mine.”

  Risa’s button-black eyes shimmered with confusion.

  “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

  Of course she didn’t. Why would she suspect the man who’d been caring for her so tenderly would end up throwing her out of his house?

  “Your stay here in my residence is over.”

  I silently begged her not to speak or betray the pain muddying her gaze.

  “Did I do something wrong, Damian? Was it something I said in my sleep or while I was drugged? If so, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

  “Don’t!” I cleared my throat and waited until I tethered my emotions once again. “Don’t apologize, Risa. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “But why now? I thought you needed me for at least a month.”

  “I miscalculated. A suitable apartment came up early. I took it. The timing is simply coincidence. Nothing more.”

  She clenched her fists. Her chin went up slightly.

  “There has to be more. Just yesterday you were—”

  “Being kind to an employee. Nothing more, Risa.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  Part of me applauded Risa for not giving into tears or groveling at my feet. The other part of me cursed her perception. I couldn’t allow her to break down my resolve.

  “You’re mistaken.”

  “No. You’re pushing me away, Damian. Why? What changed?”

  “Nothing changed, Risa. Nothing. Changed.”

  “You wouldn’t just break down a hotel room door and practically accuse me of sleeping with another man if you didn’t care. You barely left my side yesterday. You weren’t just being kind to an employee. You don’t do random kindness.”

  “You don’t know me, Risa. Don’t put more into this than it deserves.”

  “I’m not. I want to know what’s driving this, Damian. Why don’t you want me near you? Did we get too close yesterday? Is that it?”

  She was killing me. This is why I never chased the messiness of love. It couldn’t be controlled or tamed. Words couldn’t be deliberate and true. They swerved off-track, assembled in ways beyond their intention.

  “You’re making an assumption you have no right to make. Nothing happened between us yesterday. I felt guilty for working you too hard. That’s all.”

  “You weren’t feeling guilty. You were taking care of me because you feel strongly for me. I know you do.”

  I couldn’t afford to fight with her about this. Not and still remain outwardly unmoved. I knew the point to push on Risa. The pain in my head increased.

  “Have you forgotten someone, Ms. Kelly? Gretchen is my girlfriend. No, she’s not just my girlfriend. She is the one woman in the world I’ve decided is worthy to be my wife. I told you before—you’re my PA. Nothing more. If you indulged in fantasies that there would be something more between us, then I’m afraid that was your mistake. Not mine.”

  Risa couldn’t blink away
the tears fast enough. They rolled down her cheeks slowly.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “But I do. I mean every word.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m trying to be a gentleman but you are making it impossible. Let me make this as clear as possible—you’re moving out. Today. Now. You won’t be coming back.”

  “What happened between us in your office—are you going to pretend that didn’t happen?”

  Cold. Decisive. No room for hope.

  “Of course, it happened. Clearly, it was an error in judgment.”

  “An error in judgement. That’s what you would call it?”

  I pushed the point deeper, so deep it would make Risa loathe the very sound of my voice.

  That would make two of us.

  “Yes. I can only hope I can make it up to Gretchen.”

  Risa exhaled sharply, as if I’d already stabbed her and the pain finally made itself known.

  “Make it up to her?”

  “Stop parroting my words!”

  Agony twisted her mouth and then she whispered, “So sorry.”

  I hated seeing the raw hurt on her face. That hatred twisted inside me, making me harsher than I needed to be.

  “I owe Gretchen more respect than this. You are not going to be the one to break us apart. I won’t let you. If you cannot abide by this, then by all means, turn in your resignation. It will be effective immediately. I’ll have your temporary replacement within the hour. She or he, at least, will understand their place in my operation and not attempt to leapfrog for a social position they do not deserve.”

  The tears rolled faster. Behind my cold façade, I flinched with each track they created. I should be the one wiping Risa’s tears away. Not the one creating them.

  Nauseated, I wondered how much lower I would have to sink to save her.

  “Why did you change this much? I never knew you could be this cruel to me.”

  “I never changed, Risa. This is who I’ve always been.”

  Agony rippled through her pale face. She wiped her cheeks with a shaking hand. “I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t be surprised. I always knew you were capable of this. I just never really believed you’d do it to me.”

  I braced myself for the rage and scorn. I’d internalize everything she dished out, even if I struck back verbally. I’d deserve every cutting word and accusation.

  Once Risa was gone from here, I’d dig into her harder.

  I’d let her think Gretchen was still in New York. I’d not only let her think I was still sleeping with Gretchen, I’d encourage it. I’d wound Risa every chance I got until she quit.

  I could fire her, but I’d already pushed past my limits. This was one thing I couldn’t do. She would have to leave me because I couldn’t bring myself to sever all our ties.

  Because I really was a coward who couldn’t do what needed to be done.

  She sat there silently, no longer crying but no longer looking at me either.

  “Do you have anything else to say, Risa, or are you done sniveling?”

  Risa turned to me. Her face had gone cold. Empty even. There was no trace of her confusion and sorrow. Instead, she smiled.

  Brilliant like the sun.

  “I’ll pack my things and be out of your hair in just a few minutes, Mr. Black-Price. Thank you for your care yesterday. I’m not ready to go back to work, but I’ll have my laptop with me. Please feel free to e-mail me with any tasks I can do from home.”

  My cruelty would eventually be my undoing because now that I pushed Risa away, I burned to have her look at me as she’d done the day before.

  I didn’t want her to go.

  I didn’t want to return back to the empty silence of my life before Risa.

  I didn’t want her to believe all the ugly lies I’d uttered.

  This truly was a hell of my own making.

  And I deserved every damned second of it.

  The cracks between Damian and Risa grew wider, edging out hope…

  24

  RISA

  The apartment was nicer than anything I’d lived in before—not counting Damian’s penthouse.

  It wasn’t a tiny studio one would expect for a castoff, scheming, gold digger. The Upper West Side apartment was 2500 square feet of pre-war luxury. Crown molding, ten foot ceilings, plank flooring, ornamented ceilings, large windows, and working fireplaces were just some of the goodies I got to call home.

  Fully furnished, there was nothing to remind me of Damian’s home here. No sleek, modern lines in a dark, moody palette. History was respected in every piece of fabric and furniture. Truthfully, I could fall in love with this place if it wasn’t the site of my exile.

  Elaine visited me just hours after I got the keys.

  ***

  “How do you like the apartment? Is it to your satisfaction?”

  My wan smile didn’t reach my eyes.

  “It’s lovely. For a prison that is.”

  Standing by the window, Elaine regarded me with a raised brow. “Prison? You’re not anyone’s prisoner, Risa. You are free to go whenever you wish.”

  I fiddled with the robe’s satin sash. “Am I really?”

  “Yes. You are.”

  I didn’t like the answer. I didn’t like it because it was true.

  I wasn’t trying to be difficult or bratty. I just didn’t know what to do with all the ugly feelings roiling inside me like a storm. I felt like I was losing my mind. Even though my body was tired, I hadn’t been able to sleep before Elaine appeared.

  Instead, I laid in my new bed, suffocating in fatigue, while my mind kept going over and over what had happened with Damian.

  What turned him against me? We were getting so close. It was like before. He took care of me and I basked in the warmth of his adoration.

  What changed?

  I ignored the fact that I had a guest, one who was watching me with eyes like steel. I should’ve offered her a refreshment instead of pacing like a lioness trapped in too-small of a cage.

  “Risa, you mustn’t exert yourself like this. Why don’t you sit down? I’ll get you a cup of tea.”

  “I don’t want tea.”

  Under normal circumstances, I would’ve been embarrassed by my behavior. But these weren’t normal circumstances. These were the circumstances signaling the end of my world.

  I was cast out by the man I loved more than myself. I was cast out and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do to change it.

  “Risa, I told you loving Damian wasn’t going to be easy, didn’t I? I warned you of this in Switzerland. You promised me that you would be strong enough. What happened?”

  I swung around. Throwing my hands up in the air, I yelled, “I don’t know! I don’t know what happened! I’ve tried to be everything he wanted me to be. I tried to be everything you wanted me to be. I was there for him every day no matter what! I kept my mouth shut like I was supposed to. And he still did this to me! He accused me of getting between him and Gretchen! He threw me out like garbage!”

  “Do you feel better?”

  I wasn’t surprised by her reaction. In many ways, it reminded me of Damian. Controlled. Aloof. But watchful.

  Another shaft of pain pierced my heart.

  “No, I do not.”

  Elaine moved away from the window. She approached me slowly, carefully as if she feared I would run away. I wondered how I looked to her, this young woman who wept over her son.

  “I understand this is hard for you, Risa, but you can’t take this personally.”

  I laughed, a hysterical note fracturing each breath.

  “Not take this personally? How can I not? My lover can’t remember me. Even though I’ve been with him at his side, worked with him every day, he isn’t even the least bit charmed by me. He thinks I’m a gold digger, Elaine. He thinks I’m a whore for wanting him. How the hell can I not take that personally?”

  Elaine patted me on the arm. I appreciated the effort even t
hough I was left cold.

  “Damian is charmed by you, Risa. Otherwise, he wouldn’t keep you with him.”

  I shook my head.

  “I’m not with him. I’m here. And I don’t want to be here. I want to be with Damian.”

  The tears burst out of me like a dam. Covering my face with my hands, I sobbed and sank to my knees.

  This love was nothing like I imagined. No one could’ve ever prepared me for this kind of pain. I missed the girl I was before Damian.

  She was so confident, so above all this ugly emotion.

  Life and love weren’t things that affected her. Not like it did others. She enjoyed people, took what she wanted, and left the messiness behind.

  What I wouldn’t give to go back to that time. But then I wouldn’t have had Damian.

  Elaine’s arms came around me. “Come on, Risa. Get up now for me. You’re ill. The floor is no place for you. There you go. That’s a good girl.” She led me over to the couch and sat me down.

  Her hands, smooth and cool, stroked my hair. The gentle, maternal gesture sent me crashing against her. I needed compassion, understanding.

  This agony was too great. It left me gutted. A bleeding mess of a person. I couldn’t breathe, feeling this way.

  The magnitude of my loss hit me like a freight train. Mangled, I realized Damian was forever out of my reach. He didn’t love me and he never would.

  I couldn’t survive this blow. The misery inside me couldn’t be survived.

  “Damian is in a difficult position, Risa. You must understand that everything he does, he does for a reason. I know it’s not fair to you. To ask you to continue to stay here isn’t fair, Risa.

  “You’ve been a good girl to my son. You have stayed by his side and you have never asked for anything from him. I see that. This is why I want you to know that if you leave now I won’t hold it against you.”

  I raised my head, barely able to see her from the tears streaming down my face.

  “Leave him?”

  Elaine nodded. Compassion lit her gaze, giving me a brief glimpse of the flesh and blood woman behind a polished exterior.

  “I shouldn’t have asked this from you, Risa. It was too much. I see that now. If you decide to leave, to just walk away from all of this, know that I support you. You can come to me at any time and I will help you. I can give you money and put you on a plane that can take you wherever you want, no matter where it is in the world. Contact me and it will be done. I promise.”