My Love Regret Page 3

  I could see Damian but I couldn’t reach him anymore.

  We no longer went home together. Damian left the office and went straight over to Gretchen’s. I still kept up with his calendar but I was effectively locked out.

  He came home late at night. If he came home at all.

  Stupidly, I thought after Damian had tracked me down at the bar that we were moving towards something better. Maybe he hadn’t chosen me with his words but he’d chosen me with his actions.

  I’d held onto the hope until the afternoon when he’d effectively thrown me out of his office.

  Now there was nothing but this.

  “Have a good night, Sir.”

  Damian didn’t return the greeting as he strode out of his office towards the elevators. It was as if I wasn’t there at all.

  I stared after him before turning around. I wish I could pretend to myself that none of this was affecting me. Tied to Damian as I was, I had no other moves that I could see.

  I could behave the brat and try to force a reaction out of him. I could stalk the night and find company, knowing my movements would be reported back to Damian.

  I didn’t do any of those things.

  I acted like a good girl.

  Why did being a good girl feel like a doormat?

  8

  DAMIAN

  Risa behaved perfectly.

  She obeyed without hesitation. Her ability to be there right when I needed her was flawless. She didn’t ask me about my late nights. She didn’t react at all to my change in behavior.

  I hated it.

  Brooding, I watched her move about my office. Her gait was confident. Sure. The staff accepted her. How could they not? She was emotionally accessible, charming, didn’t pull rank, and worked just as hard as any of them.

  Risa smiled often, brilliantly blinding me often. I’d grown to hate that particular smile. It was the smile of someone oblivious to me.

  She caught my eye and nodded in greeting. Risa wouldn’t have done that if she had an inkling of what I was thinking.

  I was angry with her for not feeling as disconnected as I did. Was I the only one who felt this bitter and frustrated? How was it possible that the same woman who’d beseeched me to choose her was now acting as if it had never happened?

  My pride was utterly, irrevocably offended.

  I recognized I should’ve felt relieved that Risa had the sense to avoid contaminating our working relationship with the messiness of unrequited expectations. I wasn’t relieved.

  I was rejected, reduced, and redundant.

  I couldn’t be kind to her in a normal way, could I? I had to do it this way.

  Dammit.

  I’d made sure I was with Gretchen in public every day since the damned gossip post went up. Thankfully, I didn’t garner much attention in social media so the fire was relatively put out quickly.

  Or rather, thankfully, I had a hand behind the digital veil to make sure I didn’t garner much attention.

  This kindness I partook in keeping Risa safe made me crueler than she deserved.

  I needed to provoke a reaction from her. Fair or unfair.

  “Risa, stop smiling at me and get to work.”

  Surely that would make her unhappy. My petty satisfaction curdled when she merely nodded again, solemn as ever, and continued on as if I hadn’t been rather rude to her.

  Goddammit.

  ***

  I was beyond fucking tired of how poised Risa was despite my relentless pricking and prodding. She paid me no more mind than she would a cranky toddler. I didn’t appreciate how apt the comparison was, but there it was.

  Risa didn’t respond to me correcting her work on an hourly basis. And “correcting” wasn’t the appropriate descriptor. “Nitpicking” was better.

  I’d exercised that skillset quite a bit for the past three days.

  Circling the offending words in red pen, I handed her a printout with “Risa, change this. It screams amateur.”

  I could’ve e-mailed her but I didn’t want to. I wanted to look at her face as I let my sadist out to make a bloody march across her impenetrable feelings.

  She took the paper without even flinching. Smooth and composed.

  “What would you like this changed to, Sir?”

  “If I have to decide that then I don’t necessarily need you, do I?”

  There. Surely my scorn would elicit some sort of reaction. I’d done far less and seen far more from little, sweet Risa.

  “I understand, Sir. I will have the changes done in five minutes.”

  “I need them in two.” Of course I didn’t.

  Risa bowed her head. “Yes, Sir.”

  She turned neatly on her beautiful heels and departed with an elegance that made me grit my teeth.

  I wasn’t mean enough but I could be. I just had to find the right point to push. Surely once I found it everything in my brain would return back to normal.

  It had to or I wasn’t going to make it.

  9

  RISA

  I ran down the steps, breath heaving and eyes much too watered to see clearly.

  Oh my God, Damian was such a bastard and I wanted to slap the crap out of him. If I believed in voodoo dolls he’d be bleeding out of every square inch of skin.

  It was bad enough that he tortured me with his distance. I should’ve learned by now to be careful what I prayed for. I had Damian’s full attention and it was worse than anything I could’ve imagined.

  Mean wasn’t a strong enough word to cover how he was towards me. Spiteful, nasty, cruel, and demeaning were good starts.

  Nothing I did was right. He found fault in everything and it started in the morning and ran all the way through until the end of the workday.

  His eggs were runny. His bacon overdone. “If you don’t want to make my breakfast right, just say so. I can get any flunky to do it better.”

  My perfume was too strong. “Are you trying to induce allergies?”

  My lipstick too bright. “That shade of red reminds me of a clown’s. Tone it down.”

  My skirt too short. “My office isn’t a bordello, Ms. Kelly. Dress appropriately.”

  My skirt too long. “Are you trying to look as unfashionable as possible?”

  My heels a distraction. “I can barely think when I hear you clopping all around. Find something less noisy, if you please.”

  On and on it went.

  The only way I’d survived this week was to pretend I was someone else. Someone who didn’t have feelings. Barely human. Better yet—a robot.

  Mind tricks only lasted so long.

  Clopping (yes, clopping) down the stairs allowed me to work my aggressions out along with my pent-up breath. I could safely curse Damian out with each step.

  Silently.

  By the time I exited the restroom, perspiration blotted away and face perfectly powdered, I was ready to enter the demon’s lair.

  “Where were you?”

  Of course, my absence didn’t go unnoticed.

  Never mind that Damian was on a conference call with Helsinki. Never mind that he had explicitly barred me from sitting in. I’d known I had fifteen minutes to claw my way back to composure.

  Because I needed every second, I timed my return back to my office perfectly. I hadn’t even been able to sit down at my desk when Damian appeared and closed the door behind him.

  His even tone seemed to carry the faintest hint of curiosity to the untrained ear. I wasn’t untrained. I’d been an apt pupil in learning the various notes of Damian’s communication.

  He wasn’t curious. He was downright angry that I wasn’t exactly where he wanted me to be.

  Bastard. My love for him truly was a miracle.

  “I was in the restroom, Sir.”

  “For sixteen minutes?”

  “Fifteen. Sir.”

  Shit. I’d given him the perfect spot to dig.

  Damian smirked and it was nothing nice. He stalked closer.

  “I know how to tell t
ime, Risa. The question is do you?”

  A tiny inhale and exhale. Nice and easy. There was no need to give in to aggression.

  “Our watches must be off by a minute, Sir.”

  I could’ve smacked myself in the head. Why couldn’t I just let it go?

  Smile, nod, and let Damian have his way.

  His nostrils flared slightly. I was reminded of a predator scenting blood in the air. Damian strolled over to me. His fingers closed over my wrist. He lifted it up and turned it, better to see my watch.

  “No difference, Ms. Kelly. I should know since I set it myself.”

  It was hardly comforting considering the circumstances. Damian clearly wanted a fight and I’d just given him the ammunition to tear a hole through my defenses.

  “I see.”

  “Do you really?”

  I could let silence be my answer. One look at Damian’s face and I saw he wouldn’t allow for it. He wanted to prove me wrong. Or catch me in a lie—even a tiny one.

  “Ms. Kelly?”

  The prompt was nothing more than mockery.

  “Yes, Sir?”

  “Are you daft or hard of hearing? It’s one or the other.”

  Determined to stay the course, I didn’t let any of my emotions bob to the surface. I couldn’t afford to show that his words stung. I was a robot. Nothing Damian said hurt me.

  I wouldn’t allow it. At least, I wouldn’t allow it now.

  I’d save it for the stairs. At least three flights worth.

  “Forgive my mistake, Sir. It won’t happen again.”

  Damian’s fingers tightened ever-so-slightly before releasing me.

  “Why say things you don’t mean? Rather, why promise the impossible? You’re a walking mistake, Ms. Kelly. Everything you do displeases me. You do know that, don’t you?”

  His spiteful words hit their mark. I drew breath by the slimmest of effort.

  “I wasn’t aware of that, Sir.”

  “Liar.”

  “I’m not lying.” Instantly, I closed my eyes and cursed myself for falling into Damian’s trap.

  He circled me, steps clipped and impatient. The air throbbed with his fury. Damian’s anger reached out to tangle with mine. I couldn’t afford to lose control.

  Not now.

  I was liable to spew anything in rage. I had to remember why I was going through all of this. It was for love.

  For Damian.

  But it was difficult when the very man I loved treated me like the enemy.

  “Not lying, you say?”

  I stared at a point straight ahead. I couldn’t appear guilty.

  Defiant? Yes. Guilty. No.

  “What answer would please you, Sir?”

  He leaned in close to whisper in my ear. “The truth.”

  It was always the little things that set Damian off. He’d allow the elephant to stand in the room, but let a tiny ant of questionable information crawl across and he’d interrogate me until I broke.

  Which I wasn’t going to do.

  I took on a conciliatory tone. “I apologize for appearing deceitful, Sir. I tried to make it back to my desk before the end of your call. I thought I succeeded.”

  “We’re not talking about that, Risa. Don’t play dumb.”

  “What are we talking about then, Sir?”

  His steps tightened the circle.

  “‘Sir’. ‘Yes, Sir.’ ‘No, Sir.’ It’s all you chirp. Frankly, it’s making me ill.”

  Inhale. Exhale.

  “I apologize, Mr. Black-Price.”

  “No, you don’t mean that at all. I hear ‘fuck you’ when you say it.”

  10

  The blood drained out of my face before returning back in a fiery blush. Damn the man for being so freakishly perceptive.

  He raised his brow, daring me to deny it. Too late I realized I was way out of my depth.

  Damian stopped behind me. He was close enough that all the tiny hairs on my neck and arms stood up.

  “Will you admit it, Risa? Are you capable of telling me to fuck off now that it’s out in the open?”

  Nervous energy played havoc with my self-control. I wouldn’t give in to the temptation.

  “That isn’t something I want to say, Sir.”

  He came closer. I felt his hard stomach and chest against my back.

  “That’s not an answer.”

  Closing my eyes, I allowed the words to roll in my mouth. Telling Damian to fuck off would feel better than good. It would feel wonderful actually.

  But then what?

  Suspicion sparked like wildfire.

  “Why are you trying to push me like this? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you’re wanting me to be disrespectful and lose my temper on purpose.”

  Damian didn’t answer. I knew then I’d hit the mark or close enough to it.

  “That’s it. You want me to be insubordinate. Why?”

  He sidestepped me and went for the throat.

  “Why are you working here, Risa?”

  “Because you hired me.”

  “A decision I have absolutely no memory of. I can’t imagine why I would’ve done it. Everything you do I can do myself. Perfectly.”

  Cracks appeared in my self-control. Damian struck at the heart of my professional pride. I knew I wasn’t qualified for this kind of work, had tried to convince Elaine it wouldn’t fly, but I still gave it everything I had plus more.

  Insecurity pushed through the cracks.

  “I didn’t realize you had issues with my performance. I always strive to improve. If you would just give me a list of my deficiencies—”

  “I have a company to run, Risa. I don’t have all week to list it out.”

  Self-preservation urged me to walk out of the room. I didn’t doubt the warning. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  Maybe it was inevitable that it would come down to this. Despite his denials, I always suspected Damian didn’t like me as a person. This confrontation proved it.

  Who’s the real liar between us?

  “Are you done, Sir?”

  “I’m just getting started.”

  “I’m your PA. Not your punching bag.”

  “Am I getting under your skin, Ms. Kelly? Good.”

  I turned around to face the big, bad wolf.

  “What did I do to make you so upset? I was a minute late. Am I not allowed to use the restroom in peace, Sir? Am I to be chained to the desk like a misbehaving bitch? Would that make you feel better about my commitment to this job?”

  Damian’s mouth lifted in a small, calculating smile. It wasn’t one I was used to seeing. It lent his handsome face a sinister cast.

  “Did you know questions say so much about the person asking them?”

  “Then yours tell me you’re an overbearing bully.”

  “And yours tell me you’re a fraud. You’re not this obedient, Ms. Kelly. You mock me with every word that comes out of your pretty little mouth. Why are you really here?”

  He didn’t give me a chance to answer. Instead, Damian cocked his head and asked, “What do you think you’re going to get out of this bloodless display of devotion? A raise? My everlasting appreciation? What?”

  “I’m doing my job. Nothing more.”

  “Bull. You want more. The question is what. You’re extremely well-paid for your position, so money isn’t it.”

  Damian pretended to contemplate the answer but we both knew he was simply drawing it out. I stood there silent, quivering and helpless to the upcoming blow.

  “Is it me?”

  Score.

  “That’s it. You think you’ll win me to your side. Stupid girl. You can’t manipulate me into returning whatever feelings you think you have.”

  My heartbeat drummed in sickeningly loud thuds. I couldn’t swallow past the boulder in my throat.

  “You may as well quit now. I won’t be manipulated by you, Risa. So you either drop the ridiculous display of subservience or get the hell out of my building. Your choice
. But if you stay, you better do a sight better than you’re performing or I’ll escort you out myself. Am I making myself clear?”

  Nobody should be treated this way.

  Damian exposed a side of himself I didn’t like and never wanted to see again. He’d always been blunt, but what he’d just subjected me to wasn’t bluntness.

  It was malice for its own sake.

  He’d wanted me to lash out at him, to prove myself unworthy. I refused. Thwarting Damian should’ve been its own reward.

  All I felt was sorrow and disappointment.

  This man bore little resemblance to the one I knew and loved. It made me question exactly who the real Damian was. This arrogant bully or the one who’d held me so tenderly and brushed away the tears he’d created?

  This man doesn’t care about you. He sees you as inferior. You’re not even interesting enough for him to pretend to have civility and respect.

  “You’ve made yourself quite clear, Sir.”

  “Have I?”

  “Yes.” I walked over to my desk and sat down. I didn’t have to look in a mirror to see my eyes were flat, deadened like a shark’s. “Unless you have additional tasks, please excuse me. I need to upload the latest figures from Beijing before four o’clock.”

  Damian stared at me for an unnerving amount of time. I didn’t avert my gaze.

  Finally he warned, smoothly and without inflection, “Don’t regret your choice, Risa, or you’ll force me to regret mine.”

  He left my office. I stared after him as the clock ticked on.

  Although I sat perfectly still, my feelings violently tossed me about like a capsized dinghy in a black ocean. I knew what my love for Damian felt like. This wasn’t it. This thing clawing inside me felt dark, dangerous, and poisonous.

  It felt like hate.

  11

  DAMIAN

  I damaged her.

  I humiliated her.

  I got exactly what I wanted when I went into her office. I found the pressure points and pierced them with my calculated spite. I succeeded in getting beneath Risa’s placid exterior.

  I didn’t feel any better for it. I felt like a disgusting bully of a man.

  Why did I do it?

  Risa was undoubtedly committed to making my life easier. It wasn’t her fault I didn’t want her particular brand of obedience. Did I want Risa crying and clinging to me, actively attempting to seduce me from the woman she thought I was still seeing?