My Love Regret Page 2

  “Good girl. I would’ve hated to bruise my knuckles tonight.”

  Did telling her that make me a pig? Or did it tip my hand about how much I wanted her and had since the first moment I heard her sweet voice?

  “Stop it, Mr. Black-Price. You made your choice already. What I do is not your concern.”

  “No, no. That’s unacceptable, Risa.” I shifted a few inches closer. “You are a 100% my concern.”

  “Why? Because I’m your PA? Don’t worry—I’ll be at work tomorrow on time.”

  “We’re not employer and employee tonight.”

  Her pride wouldn’t allow for her to show me how uneasy I made her. But I could see it. I could see it and wanted to twist her tail a bit more.

  “Wrong. That’s all we are. Today, tomorrow, and the day after that.”

  I ignored her answer.

  “Say it, Risa.”

  “Say what?”

  “You know. It’s really simple. You’ve said it before. I’ll even help you. D-A-M-I-A-N.”

  Her chin lifted in a mutinous angle. Silly little girl. I wasn’t in the mood to be denied.

  “No.”

  “No?” I drawled, going so far as to draw a circle on her index finger.

  “No. I’m not going to play this game with you.”

  “And what game is that?”

  Risa’s stony expression didn’t soften. However, her eyes betrayed her. Like they always did. She wanted this fight with me because she so desperately wanted to give in to me.

  I’d be kind to my little Risa. I’d let her prick me with her sharp tongue, even draw a bit of blood, but in the end she’d do what I wanted.

  Risa was coming back home with me. End of story.

  4

  RISA

  He practically purred the question. What game indeed?

  Even though there was an amorous couple two stools down from us and a small group of friends at the table behind us, it felt like we were the only two people on the planet.

  Selfishly, I wished that were true.

  I should get up and walk out the door with my head held high. Unfortunately, the need to spar with Damian was irresistible. I simply couldn’t help myself.

  “You know the game, Mr. Black-Price.”

  “Enlighten me.”

  “It’s the one where you draw me in again before pushing me away. I don’t like that game and I don’t want to play it.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “Then why do you do it?”

  Damian shook his head. “You’re afraid of saying my name. Not just tonight. Always. Why is that?”

  Oh God. How could I have forgotten how eerily precise he was with his observations?

  A lie could save me the discomfort, but only if he let me get away with it. Damian always could see right through them.

  What did it mean that he couldn’t see the lie of my current existence in his world? I was breaking apart and I just wanted it all to stop. I couldn’t keep going but I couldn’t stop.

  “Don’t do that, Risa.”

  “What?”

  “Your thoughts are taking you away from me.”

  I licked my lips, nervous, wary, and sad all at once. The lies were etching away at my character. Damian, my parents, myself—who next?

  “I suppose they are.”

  “Don’t think about it anymore. Just think about answering me.”

  My submissiveness awoke at the command. I desperately needed distance.

  “You’re supposed to be at a function with Ms. Smith. You still have time—”

  Damian placed one finger on my lips. He shook his head but didn’t say anything else.

  I knew what I should say. Anything but the truth. I knew it but…

  “I’m scared to say your name because I don’t have that right.”

  “I’ve given it to you.”

  I tried very hard not to drop my gaze. “It’s not safe.”

  The subtle playfulness in his tone frosted over. “Explain.”

  Oh, I offended him. That wasn’t my intent. I knew I wasn’t in danger from Damian. Not like that.

  The only time he’d really lost control was when I’d left him. Similar to what I did tonight. And he’d come after me, just as I’d hoped.

  I guess I was playing the game after all.

  “It’s dangerous for me because there has to be a line between us, Sir. You’re my boss. You’re currently involved with Ms. Smith. You’re recently out of…well, you know.”

  “I’m not sick.”

  “No, you’re not.” But I am. “I can’t cross that line, Mr. Black-Price. Last night you clearly demonstrated to me why I can’t. You expect better of me and so do I. I can’t buckle from weakness.”

  Damian clenched his jaw. “I wish you hadn’t reminded me of it.”

  “Me too.”

  The silence filled with all the things we wouldn’t or couldn’t say. Stalemate.

  Damian suddenly stood up and lifted me off the stool.

  “Let’s go.”

  He kept his hands at my waist. His touch burned in all the right ways.

  Every erogenous zone flared to life. Licking my lips, I protested, “I haven’t ordered a drink yet.”

  “And you won’t need to. I can make you one at home if you wish.”

  Home. The word brought its own measure of pain. I didn’t have a home. Not anymore.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “The drink or leaving with me?”

  “Both.”

  “That’s too bad, Ms. Kelly. I’m leaving and you’re not staying.” His gaze swept over my curves. The message remained what it was less than an hour ago.

  I’m not leaving you alone. Not in this dress.

  He didn’t have to worry anymore. My spiteful desire to lash out at Damian through a stranger died as soon as the elevator doors had closed on me. I was more than grateful it had. Now that my rage died down, the thought of crawling into bed with anyone other than this man was enough to make me feel ill.

  I couldn’t go back to how I was. Not anymore.

  Damian grabbed me by the hand and walked towards the entrance. I had no choice but to follow.

  “I didn’t give you an answer.”

  “I don’t need one because either way you’re still going back with me.”

  I shouldn’t needle him, but the barriers were still there. I wanted to push.

  “Now why would I do that? It defeats the purpose of a night out.”

  “Because I want you to. And because, Risa,” he tossed over his shoulder, “you want it too.”

  5

  The cold air hit as soon as the door closed behind us. But his hand felt so warm that I barely cared. I loved how my much smaller one nestled perfectly in his palm like always.

  My walls were crumbling. It was too soon.

  “Damian—”

  “Not now.” He squeezed my hand once, as if to take the edge off his command. Little did he know I didn’t need it. I recognized the tone of voice even if he thought I wasn’t supposed to.

  Do this for me but know I’ve got you. I’m not rejecting you or letting you go.

  A black SUV pulled up to the curb. Damian opened the door and hustled me inside, as if he expected me to put up a fight.

  That would come later. If it came at all.

  We glided back into traffic. Looking out the window, I watched the nighttime scenery slowly pass us by. Picking up the thread of my earlier musing, I understood I could go anywhere in the world, but I’d end up right back here.

  I couldn’t walk away from this, from Damian. Not yet.

  Maybe not ever.

  Once upon a time I imagined I’d find a love like my parents’. It would be sweet, kind, and feel like a cozy pair of socks or a favorite sweater. This magical love would feel safe and non-challenging.

  This wasn’t like that kind of love.

  This love was painful, hard, and damaging as walking on broken glass.

 
But the feeling of his hand over mine…it was everything I didn’t have the capacity to imagine.

  Damian challenged me to push the limits. He promised me he wasn’t easy and he was right. I just couldn’t have imagined how hard it would be to love a man like him.

  “Stop the car.”

  The driver pulled over immediately. We were still a few blocks away from Damian’s penthouse. I looked at him in question.

  Damian got out first and beckoned for me to slide over. I did it, wondering what was going on, when he smoothly lifted me out of the car and set me on my feet. His hand then clasped mine.

  “You can leave. I won’t be needing you anymore tonight.”

  For a split-second, I thought he was talking to me. I started to pull my hand away but he tightened his grip.

  Damian closed the car door and took me with him. He kept his stride smaller to match mine.

  “Because of your little tantrum I had to dismiss the chef I hired tonight.”

  “It wasn’t a tantrum.”

  Damian’s smile wasn’t exactly nice.

  “Oh yes, it was. Lucky for you I don’t have the necessary kind of dominion over you that would stop it in its tracks.”

  My core flooded with heat. I looked away, not risking that he’d see the light of intimate knowledge in my gaze.

  “My nights are free, are they not?”

  “No. They’re not.”

  “You can’t be serious!”

  In other circumstances, I’d be thrilled knowing why but this was different. Damian had made his choice and it wasn’t me. Granted, I was wrong in pushing him the way I did, but that didn’t change the facts.

  I wasn’t enough for him. Not in this new life.

  Damian brought us to a standstill. The crowd flowed around us, but he didn’t care. His attention was fixated on me.

  “I’m completely serious. You are not to leave the penthouse unless I accompany you.”

  “I’m your PA. Not your prisoner.”

  “Don’t tempt me, Risa. You may not like the results.” Damian’s mesmerizing gaze drew me closer. “Then again maybe you would.”

  My heart threatened to punch its way out of my chest. Memories of being his that last weekend took on a dream-like, erotic quality. What I wouldn’t give to be at Damian’s mercy again!

  His beautiful mouth feathered across mine. My knees threatened to buckle. I could hear my heartbeat with each soft, ephemeral touch of his lips across mine.

  “I wonder what would’ve happened if I met you first, Risa. Would you have agreed to be my sweet little girl instead of being my PA?”

  The spell broke. Guilt and misery created a noxious feeling in my heart. He thought I was someone I wasn’t. Even now he couldn’t forget Gretchen existed but he could forget me.

  Except when he thought me a whore for wanting him the way I did.

  Damian frowned, gaze dulling with regret. He let go of my hand and drew himself up.

  “I apologize, Risa. I have no right to say the things I’ve said. I’d fully understand if you slapped me for being impertinent.”

  His kindness hurt far more than his little cruelties ever did.

  My hand ached with abandonment. The cold finally penetrated through my coat and thin dress.

  “There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”

  Damian’s stare was like a physical thing, hard lines but soft edges.

  “I fucked this up, didn’t I?”

  I didn’t know how I managed to answer without breaking into tears, but somehow I did it.

  “There wasn’t anything to fuck up. There’s no us. You’re with Gretchen. It’s as I already said. Even if we were both willing to take this further, you’d eventually lose all respect for me. We can’t do this.”

  Damian’s jaw tightened into a clench. He seemed to be fighting a silent battle when he finally gave me a clipped nod.

  “Thank you, Risa.”

  “For what?”

  “For saving me from myself.”

  I smiled as wide as I could.

  6

  DAMIAN

  Fatigue pulled at me like a demanding child. I’d barely slept the night before, considering how I left things with Risa. Instead of spending a pleasant night with her at dinner, I’d had a meal delivered to the house. I ate in the kitchen and she ate in her room.

  We’d barely spoken this morning. If it was simply a matter of a fussy attitude on her part, I’d easily be able to ignore it. Instead, it was the distance of disappointment.

  I didn’t know how to fix this and I didn’t know why I should. All I knew was that I felt it as strongly as I felt the need to deny it. No wonder I couldn’t sleep.

  Sharp pains shot through my head. I didn’t have the patience for another headache.

  My cell rang. It was Elaine. I picked it up immediately, glad for the distraction.

  “Damian, we have a problem.”

  “Explain.”

  “You were out with Risa last night. A picture was taken of you kissing her.”

  I stood up and stalked across the office to close the door. Risa was running an errand for me. I had at least five minutes of privacy.

  “Who?”

  “Some gossipy little nobody. It’s up on her blog.”

  Social media. Sometimes I wanted to throttle the little shits who unleashed this age of eroding privacy upon the world.

  “Make her take it down.”

  “Contacting her will only give it validity and attention. She’s the daughter of a low-level financier who’s looking to move up the social ladder. She knows who you are and she’s seen you with Gretchen. She thinks she’s caught you cheating.”

  “Then we bring her whole site down.”

  “That’s not the problem.”

  Of course it wasn’t. The problem was Risa had been connected to me outside of work. Anyone keeping tabs on my life would probe this connection, no matter how tenuous.

  I’d been sloppy.

  “What do you suggest?”

  “I would say fire her—”

  “No.”

  Elaine continued as if I hadn’t interrupted. “But I knew you wouldn’t be amenable to the suggestion. Very well then. Renew your attention to Gretchen. Keep your distance from Risa. We could still move her to a secured building—”

  “Absolutely not.”

  I punctuated the command with a strike of my hand against the desk. Just the thought of not having Risa near angered me. It was irrational, but I’d allow the imperfection to exist in the spotless plain of my logic.

  “Damian, you’re not leaving us room to maneuver if this isn’t contained quickly enough.”

  “No one will suspect Risa of being anything more than an affair. If even that. Gretchen is in more danger than she is.”

  “Yes, and you’re following the rules with her. Which is what you’re not doing with Risa.”

  My guardian had the right of it. As she usually did.

  “How close is it to being finished?”

  “Not close enough.”

  I waited for Elaine to elaborate. Nothing. I’d have better luck drawing blood from a stone than getting anything else out of her.

  If I’d been free, I would’ve ordered her to supply the Konstantinovs with all the firepower they needed. I would’ve even hired top-level mercenaries to put an end to this.

  But I wasn’t free. I couldn’t help. Not in this. My father would never allow it.

  The fact that I wanted this over just so I could go back to my normal life sobered me. My path as Damian Black-Price had been marked a lifetime ago. I wouldn’t diverge from it.

  I didn’t want to. I wanted to live my life as I pleased.

  Guilt became the pebble in my shoe. The least I could do for my father was be obedient. Everything I had was through his hand. I wouldn’t be the son to bite it.

  “I appreciate your attention to this matter. I will take care of the rest.”

  “I trust you will.”

  W
e ended the call. Sitting back, I knew what I had to do next. I just didn’t know if I had the stomach for it.

  Things had progressed between Risa and me. I’d known I wanted her from the first time I’d seen her with Leon.

  Now that my relationship with Gretchen was over, I was free to pursue Risa.

  Free.

  I was free to give into my craving for her. I was also free to be a bastard and to emotionally drain every last drop from Risa before discarding her like a used toy.

  Does everything have to be in opposition? Are those truly my only two choices?

  A soft knock on the door. Risa.

  “Come in.”

  She walked in, file in hand, and looking so beautiful it hurt. I deliberately turned away.

  “Leave it and go.”

  Surreptitiously, I looked to see if my dart found its mark. Of course, it had.

  “Mr. Black-Price?”

  The uncertainty and vulnerability were so easy to hear. Anger rose up. Risa had to learn to protect herself better than this. No one was worth exposing the tenderness of her heart.

  Especially not me.

  “It’s fine, Ms. Kelly. Go.”

  She looked at me a second longer than polite. I met her open gaze with coolness. I didn’t have to press for long before she wilted.

  “I’ll be in my office if you need me, Sir.”

  I ignored the mental shiver the last word gave me. I wasn’t to be her “Sir” or anything else.

  Risa deserved much in this life, the biggest being actual life itself. I would not be the one to take that away from her.

  This much I could do for the little girl that had wormed her way into my heart before I realized it.

  My cruelty would indeed be kindness for her.

  And plain cruelty to me.

  7

  RISA

  My days had gone from bad to worse.

  Damian’s pursuit of me might as well have not happened. He barely spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. Our communication was strictly via e-mail. Anytime we were in the same room, Damian looked right through me.

  I’d already gotten used to the emotional ground beneath my feet rolling daily. This was different. It was ice.

  No give.

  Treacherous.

  Frozen solid.