My Love Regret Read online

  Yes. Anything to show she’s as out of control as I am.

  The thought sobered me. I’d lost control when I tore into Risa. I’d lost control and Risa paid the price.

  Control was my birthright. I earned it through blood and banishment. Without control, who was I?

  A construct of muscle, tissue, bone, and a deluge of irrationality pumping through my veins. I’d be like the millions of walking wrecks inhabiting this planet, too involved in their erratic feelings to make sense of their own lives much less improve them.

  I didn’t want that. I was better than that. I was Damian Black-Price, a 21st century aristocrat with all the money and power to reshape the world as I saw fit.

  Except Risa. You can’t reshape her because you have no true rights over her.

  Money and power couldn’t change that particular truth because Risa wasn’t for sale and what she wanted I couldn’t give her.

  Not if I wanted to be a good man.

  ***

  The rest of the day went by as if I hadn’t ambushed Risa in her office.

  She didn’t hesitate in her interactions with me. She completed her tasks with complete professionalism. One would never suspect she’d been threatened with losing her job.

  One would never suspect I’d lost control and ground into the dirt someone who couldn’t fight back.

  Risa rose above it to keep my dirty secret.

  But she followed my instructions to the letter and spirit. She didn’t smile at me. She barely spoke and when she did it was straight to the point. She was impersonal. Not submissive. She didn’t treat me with deference. She treated me as an equal.

  No. Not an equal.

  A situation successfully contained.

  The adage you don’t know what you have until you lose it was right.

  I’d lost the connection with Risa.

  No. I didn’t lose it.

  I cut it.

  Whatever feelings she’d harbored for me were gone. I should leave it. Especially now that it was the end of the day.

  “Risa, come into my office. Please.”

  The seconds trudged on until she was in front of my desk.

  Words became the enemy. I didn’t know the right ones to trust.

  “Sit down, Risa.”

  Her gaze flicked to the leather chair before sinking gracefully down. I waited for her to say something, anything, but she remained mute. Her emotions, once so easy for me to sift through, were locked away.

  I was free but chained.

  “I want to apologize for today, Risa. I should not have spoken to you that way.”

  Her dark eyes remained opaque. The lack of emotion unnerved me.

  “Don’t give it a second thought. You said what needed to be said.”

  Not quite defiance. Not quite contempt. Not quite…anything.

  “I disagree.”

  “I’m fine, Sir.”

  I didn’t ask Risa that. The answer was everything. The answer humanized us both.

  “No, you’re not. You barely ate any lunch today. You skipped your usual snack and you haven’t had nearly as much water as you should. What would you like to eat?”

  She uttered something low.

  “What was that?”

  She snapped, “I’m not in the mood for this!”

  Risa’s reaction was glorious. I wanted more. I wanted it all.

  “In the mood for what?”

  She stood up. “It’s after eight. My day is done.”

  Pointing to the chair, I shook my head. “Your day is done when I say it is.”

  There. That would be the push to give me what I wanted from her. Lack of utter control.

  You’re on the edge, little girl. Just jump. I’ll be there to catch you.

  Risa pursed her mouth and sat down. “Then say it. Say ‘Your day is done, Ms. Kelly. You may leave now.’”

  I could’ve kissed her for being so bold.

  “Giving me orders, sweets? That is quite a big thing for such a little girl.”

  “Shut the fuck up!”

  The air sucked right out of the room. Frozen, I watched as Risa shot up. She picked my nameplate off my desk and flung it against the wall. Her shoulders heaved and her breath hissed in and out.

  “You crazy jerk! I’m not a doll for you to abuse and then make nice to when it suits you! Don’t concern yourself with what I eat, drink, see, do, or feel. I don’t exist for you unless it has to do with the job, understand?”

  I stood up, every motion a study in economy. I wanted Risa’s uncontrolled emotion and I got it in spades. If this was any other situation I’d blister her bottom for speaking to me so disrespectfully. Regardless whether I had dominion over her or not.

  However, I courted this when I lost control. Risa’s outburst wasn’t her fault. It was mine.

  “I’m afraid I can’t agree with that, Risa.”

  Rage bloomed on her reddened face. I gave a fleeting thought to the safety of my monitor and then let it go. If it made Risa feel better to destroy it, then I’d give her full freedom to do so.

  She clenched her hands into tiny fists, opened her mouth as if to scream at me, and then abruptly closed it. Her shoulders sagged and tears filled her eyes.

  “I’m better than this.”

  My stomach tightened as if I’d taken a blow. Risa’s disappointment and pain was intolerable. Knowing it’d come from me worse.

  Risa turned around and made to walk out of the room. Without thinking, I rounded the desk and stopped her the only way I knew how.

  I yanked her to me, wrapped my fingers around her chin, and kissed her.

  12

  RISA

  Damian kissed me and all it took was for me to hate him enough to curse him out and throw something against the wall.

  Maybe I should’ve cursed him out earlier instead of trying my damnedest to win him over through my loyalty and obedience.

  I kissed him as if he were air and I was drowning, but my nails dug deep into his chest. Damian responded by propelling us to his leather couch. My thighs automatically hugged his lean hips.

  He may have forgotten me but our bodies hadn’t.

  Damian’s free hand slid across my curves as they’d done a thousand times before. He tugged my skirt up and found the exact spot above my backside that made me quiver. His long fingers brushed it over and over again while devouring my mouth.

  I moaned his name. Damian fingertips squeezed my throat, just enough to make me gasp.

  “Say it again.”

  My toes curled at the command.

  “Damian.”

  “Again.”

  “Damian. Damian. Yes, Damian.”

  He growled and attacked my tender mouth. It was glorious. I opened wide, barely remembering to breathe as our tongues tangled greedily.

  The kiss wasn’t enough to take away the pain of this afternoon, but it was enough to help me find an outlet for all those uglier emotions along with the ones that could never go away.

  Pain, rage, love, and lust swirled with each drugging pull of Damian’s lips. His kisses brought me back to life. I didn’t have to dull my feelings just to survive. Everything seemed sharper. His fingers pulled the tie from my hair. He fisted the locks and tugged my head to expose my neck.

  Damian licked a sensuous path down to my collarbone and then dragged his teeth across one before doing the same to the other. Goosebumps rose all along my limbs. I almost lost it when he moved up and scored my earlobe.

  “You sound so sweet, Risa,” he whispered thickly in my ear. “I bet you’d taste just as sweet.”

  My eyes widened before closing when he kissed his way down my body. Damian squeezed my breasts in his large hands, paying special attention to my nipples and going so far as to suck them through my bra and shirt.

  It didn’t matter that a lingering employee could come to the door and hear my frenzied panting. We were wanton.

  Shameless.

  I didn’t care about the lines we’d drawn or the cons
equences and apparently, neither did he.

  Damian nuzzled my belly and then shoved my panties down my legs. Modesty fell along with the scrap of silk when he sat back and lifted my hips in his large hands. His glorious gaze fixated on the bare treasures laid out before him.

  Throughout all the upheavals of the last month, I managed to squeeze in time for waxing my sex just the way he liked it. Bare. Nothing to hide me from his view, touch, and taste.

  It was a desperate attempt to believe that one day Damian would come back and praise me for being such a good girl.

  An hour ago I detested my devotion.

  Now all I could call upon was God and Damian.

  He opened me up with his fingers, tapping my clit with a familiarity that proved my prayers had been answered. My wetness instantly coated Damian’s elegant digit.

  “Look at all the cream. Is that for me, Risa?”

  I moaned my affirmative.

  Damian gave me one long lick from my slippery core all the way to the top of my slit.

  “Mmm. You’re just as sweet as I dreamed of.”

  Trembling to keep myself from coming, and only after one sweep of his tongue, I whimpered, “You dreamed of it?”

  Damian licked me quickly before pursing his mouth over my clit. He gave it one gentle suck before answering, “I dream of you all the time. If only you knew what I dreamed, you wouldn’t let me do this.”

  My heart started thudding so hard I could barely hear anything above it. I pushed myself up on my elbows.

  “I’d like to hear them.”

  Damian gave me a pained smile.

  “That would let in you too close. Faster than you’d be ready for.”

  Oh God, please let it be that he’s remembering us. Even if it’s only in his dreams.

  “Were you doing things to me? Kinky things?”

  “Kinky.” He smirked, the vulnerability melting away as if it had never been there. “That’s one way to put it.”

  He lowered his head and banished any questions I might’ve plied on him with decadent attention to my clit, core, and even my ass. Damian didn’t want to play with me. He didn’t attempt to draw anything out. He sucked, kissed, and licked my pussy until I turned my head and yelled my release into the cushion.

  Before I’d come down Damian pulled me onto his lap. His kisses drew my pants into him.

  “Was it good, little Risa?”

  “Oh yes, Damian.”

  I wound my arms around his neck. My thundering heart found its twin in his. I sucked the fleshy part of his lower lip before kissing his chin. The faint scratch of his stubble thrilled me.

  “Can you forgive me then?”

  I drew back, womb still pulsing with delicious aftershocks. “Forgive you?”

  “Yes, Risa. Forgiveness is what I seek. I should’ve never said the things I said today. I didn’t mean it.”

  “You meant them, Damian. You don’t have to lie to me. You meant every word.”

  Sitting on his lap, so close to his beautiful face, I saw his pupils dilate until I could barely tell the difference in his eye colors.

  “Very well. I meant them but not for the reason you might think.”

  As far as apologies went, this wasn’t the best one I’d received but it was one I needed. Tears slipped out and then a choked sob.

  Embarrassed, I covered my mouth with one hand.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t stop.”

  Damian shushed me and pulled me to his chest. “It’s okay, sweet girl. There, there. Let it all out. I’m here, Risa.”

  It was heaven to feel the strength of his arms close around me. I hadn’t felt Damian’s hug in far too long. I wasn’t embarrassed to cry. Not when my Damian had broken through his fog to the forgotten parts of our life.

  “Can you forgive me, Risa? Will you forgive me?” His thumbs wiped away the tear tracks.

  “Damian, sometimes I think I’ll never understand you.”

  “I’m not asking you to.”

  I returned his faint smile. “You’re simply asking me to forgive you for being the biggest jerk I’ve encountered in my life.”

  “Surely not the biggest, little girl?” He bounced me on his knee.

  “The biggest. The worst. The meanest.”

  Damian kissed me again. “What about now? Hmm? Am I still the meanest?”

  I tapped a finger against my chin. “I’m not sure. I think I need another kiss to know for sure.”

  Damian leaned towards me when the office phone suddenly rang.

  13

  DAMIAN

  Goddamn that phone.

  I let it ring and go to voicemail. Leaning into Risa, I kissed her beautifully swollen lips again. I could grow impossibly addicted to kissing her…

  The phone rang again. Once. Hang-up. Twice. Hang-Up. Once.

  Shit.

  I lifted Risa off my lap and placed her back on the couch.

  “Excuse me, Ms. Kelly.”

  She tensed. Just slightly but it was there. I wanted to kiss her uncertainty away, but I couldn’t. I settled for kissing the top of her head and squeezing her shoulder instead.

  Stalking to the phone, I waited for it to ring again.

  “Black-Price.”

  “It’s me.”

  Thomas, my guardian and Elaine’s assigned husband.

  Adrenaline flooded my system. Thomas never called without a significant reason. Whereas Elaine was cool cunning, Thomas was blunt force. In times like these, hearing from him was never a good thing.

  “How was your day?”

  “Very good. I picked up a bag of oranges. Do you want some?”

  Code. Thomas never trusted phones.

  “I do.”

  “See you in fifteen.”

  I hung up. Looking over at Risa, I saw her staring back at me steadily with her button-bright eyes. Even though I could still taste her on my lips and craved to discover the sounds she’d make if I put her on her hands and knees, Thomas’s call brought an avalanche of crushing truths.

  I should’ve never done this with Risa.

  There was a reason why I kept my distance from her. I didn’t have the right to drag her into this secret war. It was one thing when there was no tie between me and the Konstantinovs, but the scar tissue in my head changed everything.

  My ego wanted Risa to lose control and instead I did. Again.

  Now what?

  “You’re regretting what happened.”

  I didn’t allow any reaction to appear on my face. I simply stared at her, waiting for Risa to create a story I could agree to with my silence.

  She stood up, hair tie in her hand. Quickly, she scraped her hair back into its ponytail. No longer sleek, but passable. A tug here and there of her clothes and then Risa didn’t look like she’d had her legs in the air while I ate her pretty pussy until she groaned my name.

  My dick, already hard, pulsed with need. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted to take Risa home, lock us both in my room, and make love to her all night.

  Instead, I was going to let her walk out of my office feeling used and abandoned.

  Better that than afraid.

  Risa approached me.

  “I already told you I’m not a doll for you to abuse, Damian. That hasn’t changed.”

  I was so proud of her. She didn’t wilt or cry. She didn’t try to guilt me. Risa’s bearing was that of a woman who knew her self-worth.

  Good girl. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Especially not me.

  I wanted to lift her hand and kiss it with all the deference in my heart. But I couldn’t. All I could do was ask, “Do you do this with every boss you’ve had or just me?”

  Risa’s hand flew out in an arc. I could’ve avoided the slap.

  I leaned into it.

  14

  RISA

  I was outside of my body.

  Vaguely, I felt the pressure of his cheek against my palm. It ached in the faraway manner of bad dreams and old pains.

  Damian di
dn’t betray his thoughts. He stood there, waiting for me to continue. I got the distinct impression he wouldn’t try to stop me if I slapped him again. Part of me was surprised he didn’t stop me already.

  The outline of my fingers appeared on his left cheek, higher than I would’ve thought. I fisted my hand and forced it down.

  His accusation, cool and bloodless, echoed in my mind.

  It wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever been accused of, but it certainly wounded me deeper than I would’ve wished.

  Standing there in front of Damian, I suddenly remembered another voice from another time.

  “Do you do this with every man you want? Play with them and then throw them away once you get what you want?”

  I always regarded my sexual past with a neutral gaze. I never had messy breakups because I never really let myself get too emotionally tangled. We parted without bad feelings because we were all about fun.

  No harm, right?

  Except for that one time as a freshman in college. He was a sophomore, tall, sandy-blond hair, pretty blue eyes. Nice. I thought he’d understood we weren’t dating and were free to have fun with whoever caught our fancy.

  He’d accused me of cheating, of being a whore.

  “You don’t know how much I cared about you. If you did you wouldn’t have done this.”

  The words had left me deeply ashamed of myself. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, that nice boy from Montana, but I’d hurt him nonetheless. I’d tried to make amends, but he looked right through me from that day on.

  Like I didn’t exist.

  Like I was doing to Damian right now.

  Damian hadn’t promised me anything. Even when his tongue was as deep inside me as it could go, he never promised me anything past an orgasm.

  No wonder my unspoken emotions were a burden.

  From his point of view, I was a woman who’d developed an inappropriate crush on her boss, even while knowing about his memory-loss and girlfriend.

  Not only that, but I followed him around with a disturbing lack of pride, all in the hopes of throwing Gretchen over and taking her place.